Your basic disclaimer from your average garden variety addict with BPD.
Now if you’re here looking for the goss or have been wondering where I’ve been hiding I’m sorry to say that you’ll get it all here- and probably a lot more than you were expecting… or wanting. This blog is a reflection of my journey in recovery as an addict, the entries will be about me, no others will be named. Each entry will be somewhat related to my experiences in sobriety. You’ll also get the DL on how I got to where I am now- so hold on to your seats. There isn’t much of a timeline, besides in this entry. Please remember that what you read here is not professional advice. Entires relate to myself and my recovery only. If you or someone you know needs help with addiction or with mental illness please seek professional help- you may just save a life.
I am an addict- an addict of the hopeless kind. I am addicted to; alcohol, drugs, sex, love, money, validation, thrill seeking. Anything that gives me a high. I want it all - and a lot of it, all at once, I’ll take it in any way shape and form. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Now I use the word addict a lot because that’s what I am- and I’m okay with that.
“Something didn’t sit right with me. I stopped playing the victim and realised that I was to blame for most of my undoing. I was done”.
Lets rewind. Nov 1, 2022. Once more I had just had my heart broken although this time it felt different. I was use to playing the victim during every break up but this time- I just couldn’t pick it, was it because I had never loved another like I had my partner?. Something didn’t sit right with me. I stopped playing the victim and realised that I was to blame for most of my undoing- not just with every relationship I’d ever had but also with every life decision I had made up until that point. I was done. I was done with what I had come to realise was the “Keets cycle”.
The cycle kinda went like this:
I’d hit a rock bottom, then decide to make a change
That positive change would last around 6 months, in that time I’d usually attract a partner with my “anything is possible, life is amazing” atittude
6 months into my relationship, cracks would start to show in my facade. I could always start something but never finish it. Just ask all the half read books in my apartment
Around that time I’d start to throw myself into work- I neglected my partner and those closest to me, all relationships in my life were based on self seeking motives and dependancy- when I was in a good place I was neglecting when I was down I used those around me as a crutch
When I had downtime I’d try and overload my plate with social events. The drinking and drugging would be substantial
I would try and people please and not allow time for myself - that made me resentful and bitter
Around the 18 month mark my mental health would start to deteriorate, although diagnosed with bipolar I was not medicating myself. I’d be running on empty. My positive attitude was gone and those around me would feel the full wrath of the unmedicated and untreated addict that I was
From then on I remained stagnant with the “18 month Keets” it really was up to my partner as to how long it lasted from then on in. Sometimes if they really dragged it out I would self sabotage and either cheat or ramp up my drinking and drugging- hoping that they would put an end to the relationship and then I could have an actual reason for acting like a CUNT
Part of me never felt deserving enough, but I needed them to end it because I didn’t know how and when to get off this psychotic merry-go-round that I was calling a life. I knew my life was unmanageable and that I needed help but I didn’t know how to ask for it. Like FUCK I didn’t know where to start.
Nov 1st - Late Nov 2022. I spent this time on what I now like to call my “rock bottom couch” I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in our bed. My mental health was running riot. The voices in my head had become loud enough that I allowed them to call the shots. I had the blinds drawn and drank myself stupid, ramping up my addiction of prescription sleeping meds- eventually they stopped working, my longest bout without sleep was 5 days, I barely showered, I barely ate. The voices told me that I should start organising my will- I listened and started organising things to make it easier for my family after I took my own life.
I can’t tell you the exact day because clinically I was actually insane but I did try and take my own life. I woke up in emergency. After initial testing I was admitted into their mental health ward, that stint lasted a few days before I was discharged- how good is the public health care system?! For the next week I was on round the clock suicide watch in my apartment by family and friends. I was never alone- they also removed all knives and any electrical goods, anything that could be dangerous to a toddler- or to me, a 34 year old bipolar borderline with addiction and suicidal ideations.
Early Dec. A friend, I now believe to be sent to me by god himself suggested that I be admitted into The Marie Bashir Centre- affiliated with the RPA. I spent the next few weeks here. This place changed my thinking around my mental illness, it was there that I was also diagnosed as borderline. Some people go to rehab, some to mental health facilities- and some do both.
Dec 22. I was discharged. I was scared to leave the ward. I didn’t know how to do life. I was dropped home and then I was alone- for the first time in a long time. They didn’t warn me about the “re entry” back into society. Within hours I had reverted back to my couch, back to what was familiar, back to drinking.
Dec 25. No one wanted me to be alone Christmas Day and the fact that people felt sorry for me made me feel even worse- I wanted to isolate, sit in my misery. No one knew how to act or what to do with me, so I was treated like a child, told where I’d be going, what I’d be doing- I was dragged along to a friends family Christmas (which was an overnight event) I loathed every moment and resentful at the fact that I wasn’t where I thought I’d be Christmas Day - I wrote myself off, slurred a few inappropriate things at the dinner table and put myself to bed.
Dec 26. I left. Absolutely happy to be out of there I drove home. I walked through the door of my apartment and there staring at me- my fucking Christmas Tree. A reminder of my partner and happier times, funny the things that can trigger an alcoholic in active addiction. 2pm- I put on some heavy music, cracked a 4 pack of beers and when they were done I decided to drink an entire bottle of tequila straight (because I didn’t think I deserved a mixer and also the straighter the quicker I’d be numb of the pain). What followed that afternoon/evening was me crying in a drunken rage tearing down my Tree and walking back and forth to our shared bins to dispose of it. I can only imagine what my neighbours were thinking. This… ahhh this was my last “drunk”. There were a few things that happened the night of the 26th but I’ll leave those for another entry- or for my sponsor (whichever comes first).
Dec 27th, 2022. I woke up like most do after a blackout of drinking. I checked my phone- fuck I wish I hadn’t had done that, the calls, the messages. The guilt, shame and remorse. I was done- and I meant it this time. Life was not just unmanageable it was unbearable. My mindset was the “stop the ride I wanna get off” kind of mindset. Through the tears of surrender I googled my closest meeting, I knew I had a problem- I couldn’t deny it anymore. Now this wasn’t the first time I had reached out to the program- but we will leave that for later. All I know is that the seed of the program had been planted a few years prior, I just hadn’t hit that rock bottom hard enough to stick around- but I was willing this time. Dec 27th 6pm. Defeated and without any other options I walked into my first meeting, fucking scared as hell and in hysterics, but I wanted change and I knew that I was going to find it in the rooms.
The entries from here on in shed light on the program, the struggles, the ups, the downs, daily life, they’ll have you crying and crying with laughter. I don’t ever want you to feel sorry for me. These pages help me clear the head and express myself. I have never been in a greater place, I am genuinely happy and believe that I am now exactly where I need to be, I’m still finding myself- but who isnt?. Recovery and sobriety is a daily reprieve but a reminder that relapse is always possible if you’re not doing the work. There’s no cure for addiction. The program works if you work it- if you keep coming back.
I’m an alcoholic and addict, my sobriety date is Dec 27th, 2022. By the grace of God as I understand him. I AM a grateful alcoholic.