A hard pill to swallow.
“The program I work is a fellowship of people who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism”.
I knew I had a problem but I wasn’t sure I was an alcoholic/addict, nor did I want to admit it- the word Alcoholic has such a disfigurement around it. I kept thinking that if I worked on my mental health that everything would eventually come up “Milhouse” (for The Simpsons fans reading this) and that things would get better- although I had been working intermittently on my mental health the last 12 years and that clearly wasn’t working for me. Showing up to therapy appointments hungover and drunk probably wasn’t going to help my case either.
One thing I’ve learnt is that alcoholism doesn’t discriminate- so when in meetings I need to be mindful of listening out for the similarities and not the differences. I can I.D/relate to every share I hear regardless of who is standing in front of me- a lawyer, a police officer, a father of 3, a teacher, a retired woman of 70, a homeless man of 45, a tattooed youngster of 23 with a heroin addiction, a well known television actress. Like I said, addiction doesn’t discriminate. I remember having the same thought process after drinking about 80% of the time- it was always the same thing; “I probably shouldn’t have drank that much, fuck I spent a shit load of money, why did I get that bag?, I’m done with these hangovers”. Most of the time I’d have to try hard to recap how the night prior actually panned out, people would remind me and laugh about my behaviour - but there was always a sense of shame that lingered. I have leant on the program due to one common denominator- that most of the problems I had were a consequence of when I picked up that first drink. There’s no definite description of the alcoholic, although it’s probably the only disease that you can self diagnose (if you are willing to be honest with yourself). I sat with myself and a few reoccurring instances kept coming to mind:
I knew that when I drank I couldn’t be certain of my behaviour and my actions
I knew that I didn’t drink like others around me
I knew that once I picked up it was hard to stop
I knew that alcoholism and addiction affected my relationships with those around me
The crazy thing is once I removed alcohol most of my problems stopped- that doesn’t mean that I don’t have to work hard every day for sobriety, nor does having a label attached to my problem give me an excuse to be a cunt of a human. I drank when life was good, I drank when life was shit and everywhere in between. I wasn’t an everyday drinker either, mainly weekends and the occasional midweek social dinner. Towards the end of my drinking though it had become daily and quite isolating. I drank for pain relief- both physical and emotional. Although on the flip side I drank as a form of self harm for feelings of unworthiness.
“The crazy thing is once I removed alcohol most of my problems stopped- that doesn’t mean that I don’t have to work hard every day for sobriety, nor does having a label attached to my problem give me an excuse to be a cunt.”
It’s hard at the beginning to “get” the program or even find the courage to walk through the doors but I implore you- stick around and see what it can do for you. Get amongst it. Keep your mind open to the possibilities even when life is at its lowest (I know that’s easier said than done). Relapse is still possible but don’t stop that from keeping coming back- sometimes we must be broken down again and again until we have the willingness for change. And don’t fret, the program and the fellowship will be here waiting for you with warm open arms. When I first came into the rooms, I was fucking broken. I had hit rock bottom but that rock bottom has been the solid foundation in which I have rebuilt my life - and what a glorious life it is.
I am an alcoholic and addict, trying daily to have a little more acceptance.