Self will is a motherfucker.
There’s one fucking thing you should know about early sobriety. It’s not all fucking rainbows and butterflies. It’s fucking hard, the hardest thing I have ever endured- and all self inflicted (and done sober) which is actually the worst because who the fuck really wants to sit in the “feels” of the hot mess your life was and the absolute carnage you left in the wake of who you were as a person?!
You’ll have to excuse me as I’m fucking insane today and have been the last few days- yep that still happens in sobriety.
I am 4 months and 26 days sober- mostly good days but there have also been a lot of shit-house days. I’ve noticed, in the rooms (meetings) that people have been distancing themselves from me and rightfully so. I have just experienced my first big heartache in recovery- the death of a loved one, my nan passing. My nan was a force not to be reckoned with, a strong woman with strong views and morals. She took my mum in when she was pregnant with me after my drop kick father gave mum the ultimatum of either aborting the pregnancy or he would walk- so along with my mother my nan raised me. In my early 20’s nan took me in once again when I was not managing my life very well- and in return I thought it were acceptable to snort lines under her roof whilst I hung out my laundry- man I did some shit things. Don’t worry though- the program makes sure that you don’t ever forget where you came from and how selfish and self-seeking you were (and can still be- love that).
“One of the lines I use to throw at partners in the past was “actions speak louder than words”- how fucking hypocritical of me, the addict, speaking about “actions”. What a motherfucker self will is”.
Last Thursday 4:30am I stood by the bedside of the woman who witnessed me take my first breaths as I watched her take her last, a moment that I thought would break me, it has, just in a different way. I owe my presence during that moment to the program and those in the fellowship. Rewind 5 years ago when my pop died it was a completely different scenario- I missed his passing because I was selfish (I didn’t want to take time off work because I wouldn’t have been paid), self-seeking and I had no morals. I drank myself stupid after his death and thought that everyone had to feel “sorry” for me, I used his death as a means of writing myself off. This time around though my heart was in the right place, we got THE phone call Sunday night and I was on a plane Monday morning flying up the coast to be by nans side and with family. The program has taught me to not only “show up” for myself but also for others. I was of service to my family whilst I was there and as crazy as it sounds I felt as though at times I was able to not just hold myself together but also the family- I showed up and I was an adult about it.
Since her passing though I have noticed that I have been “acting up”, all my character defects have come out to play- and I’ve happily let them run my life the last 5 days. Character Defects (self will) in the program are the following:
Resentment, Anger (I’ve been resenting those around that are in a good place)
Fear, Cowardice (I have been riddled with anxiety)
Self pity (I’ve been wallowing in my own self pity longer than I should and thinking others should be more accomodating towards me)
Self justification (That the way I have been “acting up” is justifiable and a common reaction to dealing with death)
Self importance, Egotism (The world owes me something for my suffering)
Self condemnation, Guilt (Chasing things and people that don’t serve me well as a form of “self harm”- because I feel don’t deserve any better but on the flip side also pushing those away that are good for me)
Lying, Dishonesty (“Yeah, I’m fine thanks”)
Impatience (Speeding and reckless driving- because “people don’t know how to drive”)
Hate (Hating myself for where I am in life)
False pride, Denial (Feeling like I’m gods gift to man and that I should be asked to share at every AA meeting I attend because “I’ve got something great to share”)
Jealousy (“Look at that engagement ring- who the fuck would marry her?”)
Envy (Ugh- I could look like that too if I could afford to get work done”)
Laziness (Sleeping through my alarm and skipping my morning routine)
Procrastination (Maybe I will, maybe I won’t)
Insincerity (I’m sorry)
Negative Thinking (This won’t get any better, what’s the point in sobriety?)
Immoral thinking (I’ll just do it, regardless of the potential of affecting someone else’s sobriety because I’m horny)
Perfectionism, Intolerance (That’s not how you make my fucking bed- yep, no one makes my bed the way I do)
Criticizing, Loose Talk (You need to work your program better)
Greed (I will go to any length to get what I want, I don’t care who I hurt)
So I’m sure you can imagine how life has been lately after reading those? Oh and did you know that even in sobriety you can still wake with a hangover? - yep, it’s called an emotional hangover, it's definitely not great. I’ve got one now, feels worse than the first night I spent in Mexico downing shots of tequila with chasers of Dos Equis.
Look, what I’m getting at here is the fact that the program has shown me when to recognise these defects and to be a better person. When in active addiction most are unable to stop these behaviours- let alone acknowledge them. So there’s really no excuse for my behaviour lately- because I KNOW better. Cheers to the program again.
These behaviours ruined the relationships I had with those closest to me when I was in active addiction. Fuck, I think about them everyday and constantly try and make an amends where possible. One of the lines I use to throw at partners in the past was “actions speak louder than words”- how fucking hypocritical of me, the addict speaking about “actions”. What a motherfucker self will is. This is a bit of a rant entry and I do apologise- I did say I was insane lately but this too will pass.
And still sober regardless of my actions and behaviours the program fucking works if you work it. We all have bad days, even weeks, sometimes months and yeah sure the past 6 months has been a struggle for me but nothing worthwhile was ever easy.
I am one grateful and insane alcoholic/addict.