It’s only a suggestion.

So there’s a little disclaimer that they don’t mention in the program- the fine print as some may call it.

Now when I set foot in the rooms I walked in hoping to learn how to control my drinking and be normal like my neighbour that could go out with the girls, have 1 glass of wine at dinner and drive home (under the limit) in bed by 9pm to be up at 6am for spin class- now that was just not me.

So when I was confronted with the harsh reality that I would have to completely remove alcohol from my life I was hesitant but I had the “gift of desperation” so reluctantly I agreed to abide with the suggestion that complete abstinence was part of the solution. Then came the fine print- the stuff they don’t disclose until they have you backed into a corner and in the clutch of their little hands.

“This is a program of abstinence; abstinence from alcohol, from drugs” my newly appointed sponsor says beaming eagerly. “Also we highly suggest NO intimate relationships or sex in the first year of sobriety” she continues. “Sorry? What? Can you repeat that?” I stutter. “NO. SEX. FOR. ONE. YEAR.” My sponsor repeats. Me; “Okay stop the bus I wanna get off!”. Alcoholic spring chicken sober me felt enraged inside- how ball breaking and soul crushing can this woman be?!. “It’s a suggestion” she says. “Well a fucking shit one at that” I say as my vagina dies a little inside. No D or V for an entire year, you’ve got to be shitting me!

Now for those of you that don’t know me well enough or like the others in the rooms do, I am an addict- an addict of the hopeless kind. I am addicted to; alcohol, drugs, sex, love, money, food, travel. Anything that gives me a high. I want it all - and a lot of it, all at once, I’ll take it in any way shape and form. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Now I use the word addict a lot because that’s what I am. Although the program is where I identify as an alcoholic and I work this particular program for one simple reason- Alcohol is the drug of choice for me that leads me deeper into the rabbit hole of my other addictions, when alcohol is removed I don’t find myself in Swingers clubs, fucking someone in the disabled toilets at Opera Bar Darling Harbour or in an Uber at 4am trying to score drugs on Ann St in Fortitude Valley on a Sunday morning. Alcohol is the main title, all the other addictions merely content.

For those of you that aren’t familiar with the program we have this saying. “Pink Cloud”. Pink Cloud is that rainbows/unicorns/life is fantastic euphoria that people experience in early sobriety- it’s a fucking great place to be, just doesn’t last very long. It was in that pink cloud that I decided that “self will” would take over and that I was well enough to “get busy” with another addict in the rooms. I thought to myself “I fucking got this and if this guy feels just as good as I do then sober sex may just be what I need”.

“How alluring” Riley points out. “I wanna know what that smells like” she whispers. Oh I forgot to mention, Riley is the voice in my head that is the sex addict in me“.

I first lay eyes on this guy during my second meeting. His demeanour (or so I thought) - confident yet quiet and “misunderstood”. “How alluring” Riley points out. “I wanna know what that smells like” she whispers. Oh I forgot to mention, Riley is the voice in my head that is the sex addict in me. Riely ran riot for the next 5 weeks and in the “high” of my pink cloud I finally gave into her. I stayed back for the “meeting after the meeting” to ask him politely if he’d help me “move house”. I mean he was delightful to look at and his arms- my goodness. Within 5 days I had manipulated him enough to have him sitting on my couch and I was interrogating him. Because I thought that “If I am going to do this I want to know what I’m getting myself into” - as I had never actually heard him share his story. I thought I was being quite mature and responsible. Like I mentioned before I thought I had recovery “in the bag”. Unfortunately I didn’t have recovery “in the bag” and if you’re in early days of sobriety and in this current predicament you DONT either- so in the most polite and sincere way “SIT YOUR EAGER HORNY ASS DOWN!”.

Due to the anonymity of the program I cannot disclose the full extent of the relationship, nor do I want to- but let me just say it was messy and now I am unable to attend some meetings due to my vagina running the show. I also cannot disclose the exact nature or sickness of the person I had relations with- only my sickness. I was sick, still so fucking sick and like they say “2 wrongs don’t make a right”. Or another banger I love hearing “don’t shit where you eat”. If you’re just like me though you’ll think you’re special that you’re different- you’re not. Although you will probably make the same mistake I did- for your sake I hope not but we are all human and chances are you’ll be mistaking your dining room table for the nightclub toilet you use to rack lines on- in other words you’ll go there, if you’re an addict like me. But hopefully it doesn’t bring you the pain and anxiety it did me. We can make mistakes, what defines us is what becomes of us after those mistakes. Do we learn from those? - let’s hope so. Do we repeat them? - only if you’re stupid enough. The sex was good- real good but no dick, person place or thing is more important than your sobriety and recovery. Whatever you put before your recovery will ultimately never last. I can say I am one of the lucky few that have walked away from such a thing with only a few mere scathes - I did not relapse but it doesn’t mean that there weren’t times the situation was stressful enough that I did have the urge to pick up due to anxiety or to numb the pain.

The suggestions are there to protect your sanity. In early sobriety we’re still riddled with such unhealthy dependencies. We’re like children unable to make rational decisions based on rational thinking. I heard someone share yesterday in a meeting: “I’m more concerned with saving your life than hurting your feelings”. Which in regards to this topic: When it is suggested that you keep away from relationships and sexual encounters for the first year its not that the fellowship get off on you having blue balls for 12 months but because in truth - NO ONE WANTS TO DEAL WITH YOUR CRAZY ASS EARLY SOBRIETY CRASH AND BURN SEXCAPADES. Also, it is suggested because getting involved with another whilst you work on your recovery and bettering yourself just adds another layer of shit you have to work through, another layer of stress. I mean if you can’t go a year do like they say- keep it in the day (and in your pants). Just for “today” I will keep my legs closed and buy new batteries for my magic wand vibrator.

I am one highly strung yet grateful alcoholic/addict.