Rinse and Repeat.
I think the hardest thing for me (and has always been)- sticking to something for long enough that it actually becomes routine. I get bored quite easily- just ask my ex partners. Routine is monotonous and addicts like myself love spontaneity. We don’t get that “hit” from playing it “safe” but that’s just where things need to change. The hardest thing I have found with recovery is being consistent.
If you aren’t consistent you will become complacent. I have watched it unfold in those in the program many times. The trap: you actually do the steps, think you’re okay and then boom motherfucker- you’re running rough and wondering why.
“Recovery is not easy and it is a life long commitment. There are no short cuts or crash courses”.
When I first came into the rooms and people would I.D with their name, disease and length of sobriety I would often hear people with not not just years but decades up and think: “If you’re cured why the fuck are you still here dude?”. The more I attended meetings the more I realised that what I was getting myself into was life long- but the benefits would be incomprehensible, if I were willing to do the work that was suggested. I also came to an understanding that this disease that we call addiction is incurable and that to break it down sobriety can be maintained and the easiest way is to “keep it in the day”. So when I heard older sober members share I understood why they were still in the rooms and attending meetings, just as I were. That although they were sober for a lengthy period of time they too still had the “isms” of an alcoholic/addict and that this disease does not discriminate. I have also come to an understanding as to why the older sober members need the new comer as much as the new comer needs them: they both keep each other sober. The new comer shares on the raw reality of current addiction and their struggles, which in turn reminds the older member of what it is like and the older member shares on “what is was like, what happened and what its like now” which gives hope to the newcomer. They both can learn from one another. One thing I’ve realised that I need to stop doing though is putting these older sober members on a pedestal. I heard someone who recently shared on their 29 years of sobriety that they hated sobriety birthdays. That they loathed that others thought highly of them when in fact they are just another alcoholic trying to stay sober- it hit a chord with me. I have always had these feelings of feeling “less than” and that these feelings had to be left at the door when I walk into the rooms, that we are all equal and the quantity of someone’s sobriety does not necessarily mean quality of their program.
“I have always had these feelings of feeling “less than” and that these feelings had to be left at the door when I walk into the rooms, that we are all equal and quantity of someone’s sobriety does not necessarily mean quality of their program”.
I struggle some days to do all the suggested things- I mean I am human after all and a human addict at that. Willingness for me has been the biggest thing in my recovery, if I have the willingness then I have the acceptance, if I have the acceptance I have the ability to be teachable, to instil traits in me that I have otherwise never known. Fuck it is difficult on the easiest of days, some days I feel as though I am barely hanging on and then there are days that quash every other, where I’m certain that life can only get better. For as long as I can remember, I have attended a meeting every single day, if not in person online via Zoom. I get around to a lot of meetings in Sydney and I hear a lot from hundreds of alcoholics and addicts, although I am fully aware that meetings alone will not keep me sober. I keep close to the fellowship (other members in the program) and I touch base with my sponsor (an older sober member that has worked the program and practices the suggested things in their everyday lives) although I admit I don’t speak to her as much as I know I should.
For me I struggled with maintaining quality relationships with family and friends, towards the end of my active addiction I isolated because I didn’t think anyone understood me- but I know the fellowship does, there will always be someone that can I.D with my story. At the beginning of my recovery I found it hard to ask for help or to exchange numbers and call someone when I was running rough. That’s what the fellowship is there for, breaking down that wall was the best thing I ever did for my recovery. There are days even now when I question myself when wanting to reach out to someone but I know they will always welcome me with open arms.
So I guess that’s it for me, my daily rinse and repeat:
Be willing
Have acceptance
Have an open mind
Prayer and meditation
Call someone / check in with my sponsor
Get my ass to a meeting / dial in
Be of service (by sharing my story or by having a service role at my home group)
If you’re new to the program or thinking of attending a meeting please keep an open mind, don’t be nervous but remember that you are doing it for you and your recovery, your future self will thank you. There’s no need to feel shame because we have all been there, you’re one of us, that we can learn from you as much as you can learn from us.
I am one grateful alcoholic and addict.