Admit One.

Admitting that I was an alcoholic and addict was easier than I had imagined. I guess when you’ve burnt your entire life to the fucking ground the reasons as to why become more apparent.

Even still I have seen others come into the rooms that have also done the same and have been reluctant in admission- holding on tight with their little alcoholic hands to whatever they have left of what they call a life. “The result was nil until we let go absolutely” - a line I hear daily in meetings. When envisioning the rooms before I had come into recovery there were definitely no positive things I had curated in my mind. Instead, I had imagined dropkicks/no-hopers sitting in a room talking about their misery, a room that would surely zap whatever energy I had left in me. I was wrong- yes, there are those that will have their bad days and share that with the room but for me I find that 90% of these meetings I attend are filled with peoples journeys, strength and hope, filled with smiles, sincere hugs and laughter.

It was rare of me to be able to walk into a social settings in active addiction and be able to relate to others. I didn’t think there was anyone like me, that no one understood the struggles I had with drinking, drugging and my mental health. I also had made this story up in my head that I was special because I was different “eclectic, sentient”. I stopped trying to be like others and started to be “myself” - or what I thought “myself” was at the time and by doing so it isolated me even more from others. It was a strange internal battle I had going on, that I wanted to be “part of” but the drinking and drugging wanted me to be “special/different- a lone wolf”. The fellowship has humbled me, acknowledging that yes, I can be different but also to remember that I am not that special and that there’s an entire group of people that are just like me. It is estimated that there are currently 18,000 - 20,000 members in Australia, with roughly 1,800 groups/meetings- and all those people at some point have admitted that they too were alcoholic and that their lives had become unmanageable.

“It is estimated that there are currently 18,000 - 20,000 members of the fellowship in Australia, with roughly 1,800 groups/meetings- and all those people at some point have admitted that they too were alcoholic and that their lives had. become unmanageable”.

Speaking of unmanageable, I definitely don’t miss that. When I first walked into the rooms I had this idea that even though I had a problem I still managed to keep a good grasp on things- feeding myself, paying bills, making time for friends and family, work. I was wrong. My ego although, would get offended every time someone said “step one- life had become manageable”. “Nah not mine” I’d say. The program has shed light on the fact that I may have been just “getting by/just managing” life before recovery. I now see that life before was like being in a river and swimming against the current, I was afloat/still breathing but the energy it took me to keep swimming against it all most of my life was exhausting- it wasn’t until I was thrown a life preserver that was the program and decided to let the current take me that I realised what freedom was and that there was a better way of living and managing my life.

I will admit though that there are times I hear some fucking intense shares in the rooms- and I can’t help but question my alcoholism and if I really am an alcoholic. I haven’t been to rehab. My feelings of “being less than” need to be quashed- because that can lead me back out there and only god knows whether or not I’ll make it back into the rooms, or if I’ll die, I may not die of alcoholism - maybe drugs, a broken heart, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, suicide. I remind myself when questioning my alcoholism- “I know I am an alcoholic/addict because I can not guarantee my behaviour when I pick up that first drink, I can not determine who I will have to apologise to after another binge.”

I surrender and admit daily to the fact that I am an alcoholic/addict- there’s no shame in it. Why should there be shame around someone acknowledging they have a problem and trying to actively do something about it to better themselves?

“I surrender and admit daily to the fact that I am an alcoholic/addict- there’s no shame in it. Why should there be shame around someone acknowledging they have a problem and trying to actively do something about it to better themselves?”.

I heard a someone share the other evening who was celebrating 60 days of sobriety, he shared that he had been in the program 15 years, he came into the rooms hoping to win his family back but he kept relapsing. Taking 15 years to get to 60 days broke my heart. He continued to share how he had lost everything, his wife, his daughters, his life- and even the concept of becoming sober to get them back couldn’t keep him working on his recovery. He had trouble admitting that he was an alcoholic, he had trouble accepting what was so clear to others.

I knew that if I couldn’t attain the acceptance that I had a problem there was no reason for me to be in the program, so I “let go absolutely”. Admitting I was an alcoholic was the first step towards the freedom and happiness I was so painstakingly trying to achieve in active addiction. The weight I was carrying on my shoulders the past 20 years of active addiction has been lifted. I found that even in early sobriety when I smiled or laughed it was genuine- something I hadn’t felt in ages. I receive daily gifts from working the program- my reactions towards things that would usually baffle me or enrage me have been replaced with self reflection and acceptance. Understanding my motives and acknowledging my behaviours. Knowing that I am no longer the person I was, that I am exactly where I need to be. I have a healthier relationship with myself (well 80% better anyway- still working on it). I have deeper connections and relationships with loved ones and friends. I am patient, I listen, I ask how others are going and wait attentively to hear their response.

In admitting that I was an alcoholic and addict I have experienced a profound personality change. Not only have I benefitted from the program but those around me have also reaped the rewards- no longer having to worry about my safety or wellbeing- being able to sleep at night is the gift I have given my mother and loved ones.

Friends, I am one happy and genuinely grateful alcoholic/addict.