Who I am not.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”
I have always suffered feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness which is contrary to this quote- but that’s the thing. I have never known myself to be anything else, nor have I known myself to be “powerful beyond measure”. I HAVE NOT KNOWN MYSELF. Although now, I still may not know who I am but I certainly DO know who I am NOT.
I am not selfish, I am not self-seeking, I am not fearful, I am not immoral, I am not insincere, I am not intolerant, I am not envious, I am not self condemning, I am not impatient, I am not self pitying, I am not who I use to be- thanks to the program.
My thought process was that the program would help regulate my drinking- I got more than I bargained for. Since working the program I have realised that not only has it stopped my drinking and self destructive ways but that it has also taught me to be a good fucking human and how to be a part of society. It has really knocked me down a little and made me realise that I’m not that special (well in a way yes I still am just not in the way I use to think) and that’s okay.
“Since working the program I have realised that not only has it stopped my drinking and self destructive ways but that it has also taught me to be a good fucking human and how to be a part of society”.
For a long time I walked around like I knew all the answers, quick to give relationship and life advice even to those who didn’t ask for it when in fact I myself had no fucking idea what I was doing. Quick to judge, narrow minded, thinking that my way was the only way. I’m sure you’ve found yourself thinking: “Now if only I would take my own advice”. Well shit, for most of my life I didn't know what was good for me- even now occasionally I still don’t. The program though has taught me to look at myself and my actions, I am more aware of things and my motives behind my behaviours past and present.
In my active addiction I was a people pleaser (one of my character defects)- if you stick around long enough you’ll come to learn about character defects through my entries about the program. I was whoever you wanted me to be, ever changing, able to adapt to any situation, circumstance or relationship. I had so many masks that eventually I had forgotten who I really was- or who I thought I really was. I still have similar positive morals because mind you I wasn’t a bad person I was just a sick person trying to get better.
I think one of the most tiresome character defects I had was the people pleasing- it wore me out, I didn’t know how to say “no” it made me bitter, resentful and even worse I had no one to blame but myself. No one had a gun to my head telling me to do those things. It was through my own self will and like I’ve said before I had no idea what was good for me. Thinking that doing things for others would make me feel better- that it would fill some sort of “happiness” hole I had. The main issue with my giving was expecting the exact same standard in return- and when that return wasn’t met to my expectations I would become resentful.
“The higher my expectations the lower my serenity, the lower my expectations the higher my serenity”
Since working the program I have noticed a shift in me that I have enjoyed experiencing, being able to set healthy boundaries in all areas of my life- with myself, sexual partners, work, family, friends. I have also come to a better understanding of who I am not. constantly working on myself I come to daily revelations- “Oh so it looks like I am an almond croissant person”, “Oh so it looks like I can say no when someone asks for something I am not willing to do”. All these revelations made evident by the work and progress (not perfection) I have put into myself and my recovery. It sure as hell isn’t an easy journey- but worth it. Worth it for me, those I love and those I will love.
Friends, I am an Alcoholic/Addict discovering one day at a time who I am not.