Availing yourself of a sensei.
Sensei noun.
plural sensei or senseis
: a teacher or instructor usually of Japanese martial arts (such as karate or judo)
Depending on your age and if you aren’t an 80’s baby the Karate Kid / Mr Miyagi reference may go straight over your head. A big part of actually understanding and getting the program is availing yourself of a sponsor or as I like to call them “sensei”. A sponsor is someone who has worked the suggested program- an older sober member that has strong recovery and a good grasp on sobriety. Although when I say “old” I’m not necessarily referencing to age, not all the time anyway. Having someone to guide you through your recovery, that has walked in your shoes, that you can relate to and that you can be completely vulnerable with is one of the suggested things I 100% agree with.
When I first came into the rooms this time around I had a sponsor pushed onto me - it was a little unorthodox but it was what I needed. She was a blessing, she ran me through the program in a mere 6 weeks - a bandaid to stop the “bleeding”.
When I first came into the rooms this time around I had a sponsor pushed onto me - it was a little unorthodox but it was what I needed. She was a blessing, she ran me through the program in a mere 6 weeks - a bandaid to stop the “bleeding”. That’s as far as my experience with her went. I had heard in the rooms about how others would call their sponsor daily and always run every movement and behaviour past their sponsor. I couldn’t grasp that concept. I didn’t call mine everyday nor did I fill her in with my every movement- and maybe that’s where I needed the change. Our relationship eventually deteriorated as she lived a while away and our schedules never seemed to align. We didn’t go to the same meetings- and I know that it should have been me chasing her, as there was definitely nothing I had that she wanted. That’s one thing they suggest when looking for a sponsor- to look out for someone in the rooms who “has what you want” - the kind of recovery you are after, someone that you can relate to when you hear them share.
My second ever meeting this time around I made my way to a local meeting (5 minutes from me). I remember sitting on the steps out the front of the hall nervous to go in, it was a warm afternoon and I was taking in that last bit of sun, all of a sudden there was a hand on my shoulder, I turned to see this woman leaning down smiling at me, the afternoon sun making her glow in a saintly manner, her smile like a warm hug, her energy nurturing and comforting. She asked me my name and why on earth I was sitting outside and that I should come in for a coffee. I felt compelled to do anything this woman asked of me.
What I wanted was her calm and collected nature, her genuine smile and presence, I wanted to make others feel how she had made me feel.
For the next few months I watched this woman and how her presence in the rooms made me feel, I listened attentively every time she was asked to share. I didn’t I.D with her story but still I wanted what she had. What I wanted was her calm and collected nature, her genuine smile and presence, I wanted to make others feel how she had made me feel. In most meetings at the end the chair/host would ask if there were any sponsors present and to raise their hand if they were able to work with others- she never raised her hand, until one Sunday afternoon so I jumped on the opportunity as soon as the meeting had ended, I was nervous. Her response was not what I expected. What I was expecting was: “Of course I’ll work with you, I’ve been waiting for you to ask”. I mean who wouldn’t want to sponsor me?! - I hear my ego say. Her reply: “I am very flattered but I only put my hand up because there were no female sponsors that did”. My heart sank, then she said the words I wanted to hear: “But I will work with you, IF and ONLY if you are willing to go to any lengths for your recovery”. “Of course” I replied. I meant what I said. I have now been with my most recent sponsor for the last 2 months, we’ve been working through the program at a slower and more gentler pace. At times I know I have not made our sponsor/sponsee relationship an easy one. We meet every Friday an hour before the meeting to go over how my week in recovery has been - the good and the bad, sitting in her car out the front of the same hall where we first met, creating profound and life long realisations. Every time we talk I I.D with her more and more and realise that we aren’t too different. I still don’t call her as much as I know I should, nor do I completely confide in her and that’s where I go wrong. I still struggle at times to let others in and to ask for help- I resent looking as though I am incompetent. Incompetent at adulting (something that I feel someone at my age should have a pretty good grasp on).
I have been calling the shots the last 34 years and look where it’s gotten me
Self knowledge can only get me so far. 2 things though I know that need to be rendered: 1. I need complete and utter ego deflation. 2. I need acceptance around acknowledging that I don’t actually know what’s good for me right now and that I need someone else to call the shots- that someone else being my sponsor. I have been calling the shots the last 34 years and look where it’s gotten me. I also have a few mentors in the program- similar to a sponsor but more so friends that I can turn to for guidance and a shoulder when I am having a tough day.
Like I have mentioned we have had our hurdles but I understand there is no way I could work on my recovery without her council and guidance. Letting others in at times is a good thing- yet uncomfortable. Vulnerability for me was only always with intimate partners, I now understand that this vulnerability needs to be redirected in order to help my recovery and sobriety.
I am an alcoholic/addict, learning to be a little more vulnerable where it matters most.