The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Over the last few weeks since my nan passed, I’ve spent a lot of time in reflection. Observing my behaviours and feelings. When I’m down- what is it that I’m thinking about? When I am happy - what is it that is bringing me this joy? I’ve come to the simplest of conclusions- it is nothing but perspective.
When I was in active addiction it was always very black and white, very up and down. You know those highs and lows? Take today for instance, I commandeered the work sound system and thought I’d take a trip back down memory lane by playing one of my Spotify Playlists: “Your Top Songs of 2018”. As the songs played one after another I realised that there was such a drastic change in genre- it would go from Slide by Calvin Harris to Gods Plan by Drake to I Fall Apart by Post Malone to Claire De Lune by Claude Debussy. At one point I actually said out loud “Geez what the fuck was going on with me in 2018?” - a lot actually. My drinking and drugging had become unhinged, I was in a relationship I was no longer invested in emotionally, or physically and I felt life was going nowhere, things were monotonous, there was no real joy in my life - unless there was some form of “out” for me. I looked forward to social events where I knew there would be copious amounts of drugs, an endless supply of alcohol and other men and women that would stoke my ego and lean into my sexual advances - I never wanted the nights to end because I knew that it would be a day closer to going back to the routine of work and normality which pained me. Once again I’d claw my way through the week, longing for the weekend.
My drinking and drugging had become unhinged, I was in a relationship I was no longer invested in emotionally, or physically and I felt life was going nowhere, things were monotonous, there was no real joy in my life- unless there was some form of “out” for me.
It was around this stage in my drinking career that I discovered that being an adult meant I could also drink during the week- a concept that had never really struck me. So I gave it a go, it started with a bottle of red that would last me 2 nights - just a few glasses on the couch to “wind down” to 2 bottles a night and a couple of diazepam (valium) just for shits and giggles. I would become paralytic, body stoned, pass out of the couch, wake around 2am and drag myself off the couch to spend the remaining few hours of sleep in my own bed. That was my life for a very long time - I drank miserably because I was miserable. I listened to upbeat music on the weekends because I was in this elevated state of mind and then consumed myself in heart breaking music during the week that reflected my emotions and current situations that I had no control over - including my addictions, to alcohol, cocaine and infidelity. It was a constant tug of war- like I’ve said before: “An emotional roller coaster, a ride/cycle I was sick of- I wanted to get off but didn’t know how”.
My life now, is still kind of the same, there’s routine - with meetings being a daily constant. Morning routine - prayer, meditation, gratitude list, work, meeting, night routine- prayer, reading, program work. NO relationship - which is probably best for me right now. The only major difference with my life now compared to 2018 (besides being sober and not having a partner) is the way I view life - my PERSPECTIVE of it. It can either be a good day or it can be a fucking shit day - what kind of day I am going to have depends greatly on my emotional sobriety and mindset. I know that sounds easier said than done - and trust me its taken me almost 6 months to get to this juncture.
It can either be a good day or it can be a fucking shit day- what kind of day I am going to have depends greatly on my emotional sobriety and mindset.
Constantly reminding myself that things are exactly the way they should be at this exact moment in time. That I have no control over any outcomes past, present and future. I am merely an observer. What an amazing thing it is though, to be able to observe. To pick up on the “Old me would have…” behaviours, to think and smile in knowing that just by seeing things in a different light there can be joy and contentment.
Before I stepped foot in the rooms I saw everything as “glass half empty” - I felt hard done by. Everything was logical and black and white. This is where the spiritual aspect of the program has really come into play for me. Now make sure you note that I said spiritual not religious - as that is something that you must understand, this program is not by any means religious. In the simplest form the program has given me colour in where I could only see black and white. I no longer see just YES and NO. I see opportunity, endless opportunity, in myself my loved ones, in the world.
I do have moments where my ego and self pity still get the best of me, I can cling onto old ways of thinking- be drawn back into the past where I resent myself, my actions, the paths I took, the people I hurt, the bridges I burnt. Now though, I am able to reflect and understand it for what it was, what it is at this present moment, let it wash over me and sigh in relief that I now get to live a life of sobriety, constantly making a living amends by being a better person, being of service to others and viewing the world in an array of beautiful colours.
I am one colourful and optimistic alcoholic.