Tell me where it hurts.

“Some days I feel everything at once, other days I feel nothing at all. I don’t know what’s worse, drowning beneath the waves, or dying from the thirst”.

I’m not sure when or where I first heard this saying. Although what I do know was that when I heard it, I felt the exact pain and conflict the author had experienced.

To me the program brings out these raw and vulnerable feelings- you know the ones. The kind of dark and emotional feelings we try and keep buried deep down, kept under lock and key? The ones we hope never see the light of day in fear that others will see us for who we truely are and how we truely feel?

There’s no need to walk out into oncoming traffic and get hit by a bus- the program will do that for you, it will do that to you, figuratively speaking. The program is like fumbling around in the dark with a lover when suddenly “its” where it shouldn’t be and you hear yourself yell “that’s not it!”. Yeah that kind of shock and horror, that’s what the program does.

Fuck me. Where to start? I am now 6 months and 1 day sober. I have never felt so many “feelings” nor been so vulnerable in my entire little blip of a life. This afternoon after spending the entire day in my head, I got home, journaled and then ugly cried on my lounge room floor for a good half hour.

This afternoon after spending the entire day in my head, I got home, journaled and then ugly cried on my lounge room floor for a good half hour.

I shared later tonight in a face to face meeting, raw and unintentional, some things I never thought I’d share with another- let alone a room full of addicts and alcoholics. I have never been surrounded by so many others that have been able to relate to myself or that I have been able to relate to. I have spent the last 6 months in a constant state of what I can only describe as an “emotional upheaval”. Swinging between “life is going well” and “ahh fuck, here comes that emotional roller coaster”.

Ego and entitlement aside I do understand why lots of people relapse. Coming to terms with certain aspects of yourself when working the program is not something all can do when the drink or drugs seem like the easier and softer “escape”. There are some fucking hard truths to face- which some can not. What I do strongly suggest for the newcomer when coming into a meeting is to be vulnerable, it doesn’t have to be with everyone but be open and honest with someone. Get amongst it, the more uncomfortable you are the more growth that can take place. The more understanding and the stronger the recovery.

For me currently, I am still coming to terms of a broken heart, almost 9 months after the fact. There are days where I feel it is all behind me and then someone will share in a meeting, their struggle with a partner or a loved one and the emotional flood gates reopen for me. I talk a lot about having the acceptance and understanding of things for someone that just won’t fucking let go. Dealing with feelings sober fucking sucks. I have tried a few of my old behaviours with no luck. The old “best way to get over someone is by getting under someone else”- trust me, that does not work like it use to.

For those of you that don’t know my entire story I have always been one for “open” love. I spent the majority of my adult years in and out of swingers clubs, adult venues, polyamorous relationships. My last relationship changed me though, I settled down, I was a woman that loved only 1 other and I was okay with that- for the first time in my life I was content. I grew in that relationship, mentally and emotionally- although my addiction, closely behind, followed suit. Not only is this the longest I have ever been sober, it is also the longest I have ever been single and I’m still coming to terms with that. They say that the first year of sobriety is the hardest- ohh man is it ever, so much reflection is done. I wouldn’t change it one bit though. I don’t regret my past, nor do I wish to shut the door on it but merely to understand it, accept it, learn from it and grow from it.

Not only is this the longest I have ever been sober, it is also the longest I have ever been single.

I’ve recently started another program, that centres around the addiction of sex and love. It has brought to the surface things that make my skin crawl. The sexual abuse as a child, the abandonment and daddy issues, the codependency problems, the emotional anorexia I am currently struggling with. There is more than just the addiction of drugs and alcohol I struggle with and the program has shed light on that. You must approach recovery from all angles- not always all at once but in time. Recovery does not have be done perfectly, it just has to be done.

Look, what I’m getting at is that recovery is a journey of understanding and growth, that this program does not just help you recover from addiction but also gives you a new and beautiful life- but nothing worth while ever comes easy. There must be work done. The “work” is the hard part- it is the make or break, what separates the boys from the men. There are days I ask myself “why the fuck am I doing this?” and then there are days that are so amazing it reminds me why.

Growth will often feel like loss - remember that.

Growing vulnerably everyday thanks to this program, I am one blessed alcoholic and addict.