Accepting that humble pie.
It’s not about me. Honestly it isn’t.
It’s been a hot minute since my last post- not because I’ve been burning my life to the ground like I use to in addiction but because life has been extremely good to me. In the last few weeks I have done some fucking growing up, I have had some hard conversations and on the other hand some beautiful ones with those from my past who most would still be reeling with resentment towards, I’ve dealt with the death of a loved one, worked fucking hard on my recovery and have been there for others more than I ever have in my life, the more I am there for others the less I’m thinking about myself- that’s the secret. And that’s just the thing, I’ve started to work through “who I am when no one is watching”. The amount of times I have changed and stepped up in the last 7 months of sobriety have been way out of left field.
And that’s just the thing, I’ve started to work through “who I am when no one is watching”.
In my past, sure, I was still a nice person but if I’m being honest all kind gestures (most) were unfortunately done with some sort of return in mind, some kind of validation, to be seen and to be heard. I thought about myself most of the time, even if it were on reasonable and sincere grounds. Absolutely letting go of “self” has been a fucking game changer. When things are done with genuine love it hits different.
The drinking and drugging lifestyle was fun- until it wasn’t. I never realised that when I picked up a drink it was for, in reality, selfish reasons whether I knew it or not. My behaviours and choices were purely made based on “me, me, me”. This spilled over to times when I didn’t even have a drink in hand, I had been stuck in “self” for the entirety of my drinking career and life, I didn’t know any better.
I have this mentor/older sober member that I see as the father figure that I never had, we’ve that relationship that I believe I would have had if I had had a present father figure in my life. We talk often on the phone and check in almost daily. On most calls he will call me out: “How did we start talking about you again?” He’ll say. Reminding me to check myself and my thinking. I have had some of the most heartfelt, honest and raw conversations with that man. I look up to him for guidance and understanding. Having 21 years of sobriety under his belt he definitely knows a thing or two. I mean we all engage in self pity, self seeking and selfish behaviours at times- we are human after all. Being “cut down, right sized” is one of the most humbling things you can experience. Instead of taking it to heart I can be like “Yeh, you’re right, it’s not about me”. The more I care for and nurture others, the less I am thinking about myself, my problems and my addictions. Addressing these though when the time calls for it- like when I am in recovery work with my sensei.
Being “cut down, right sized” is one of the most humbling things you can experience. Instead of taking it to heart I can be like “Yeh, you’re right, it’s not about me”. The more I care for and nurture others, the less I am thinking about myself, my problems and my addictions.
I understand that most of you reading this will be like “fuck, what is this chick on?”. So let me fill you in with the good that I have received from the program thus far.
I wake daily with no hangover, no regret, no shame or remorse. I am excited for a new day
I have better acceptance and understanding of others
I am kinder, gentler, understanding and patient
I am genuinely happy and walk with a confidence I couldn’t even fake if I wanted to, my energy I have been told is infectious
The amount of opportunities that have crossed my path have been dizzying
Most fears I had have disappeared, the real issues aren’t that hard to navigate anymore either
My perspective has changed, my mind has settled. I have found the peace of mind and calmness that I searched for in a few glasses of red before bed to wind down
I am less engaged and worried about what is happening on social media, I can go days without any “screen time” minutes on any platform
I am more engaged and curious about life, I have become more creative and adventurous, my lust for life has increased ten fold
I have stronger, more intimate and genuine relationships with those around me
I am honestly so incredibly happy, I am extremely grateful and I see the world in colour- vibrant colours
I am more driven and focussed on things that align with the person I am, the person I am growing into, as opposed to who I think people want me to be
I have a healthy relationship with my body, I feed it everything, I nourish it, I move it, I care for it
I have had the best sleep I think I have ever had, you know that deep and unbroken sleep? Yup- that kind- and at least 8 hours a night
I have never been more social, yes, I still can hang out with others and enjoy a great dinner and conversation- I just don’t drink
I have connection with others that I thought only alcohol gave me
My mental health and wellbeing has dramatically improved, I am still medicated, see a therapist weekly and attend a weekly group DBT session that caters to the skills I need to live with my diagnosed BPD
I “show up” for others, I have healthy boundaries and can say “no” without feeing guilt
Another game changer for me- that I never thought was possible was the removal of the anger and resentment that I had held over people that had wronged me or who I thought had wronged me. In addiction my mind had a funny way of thinking that everyone either loved me or hated me.
The biggest sign for me that I was growing and that program was working came about 2 weeks ago. My ex partner and I have been separated just over 2 years now, although we have been financially tied together still (which will soon be coming to an end) and thank god. I have spoken to him on the phone on 2 occasions over the last 2 years, all conversations had been amicable. The last conversation we had was like I’ve said, 2 weeks ago, I called regarding the financial aspect but we ended up continuing the conversation. He asked how I was going- and instead of talking myself up, I spoke my truth, told him that my most recent relationship had ended and why, I talked recovery, the program and how life was really going. We had a few laughs. I returned the question: “How are you going?” - I asked genuinely. He replied. I then asked “When’s the wedding?”. “7 weeks” He said.
He asked how I was going- and instead of talking myself up, I spoke my truth, told him that my most recent relationship had ended and why, I talked recovery, the program and how life was really going.
In short when we split 2 years ago I had suspected that he had had an affair as he and his now fiancé had got together practically a week after he broke it off with me, wether or not that was the case I guess I’ll never know- and I’m okay with that, things turned out the exactly the way they were meant to.
Now back to our conversation- “7 weeks” he said. And coming from somewhere in the depths of my soul, from a place that is trying to breakthrough and flourish came the words “I am so genuinely happy for you, how is she going anyway?”. He laughed followed by “I never thought I’d be having this conversation with you”. “You know I have loved someone since you although more than anything I do miss our friendship. We’re able to talk like this because what we had was amazing at the time, I’m grateful for you and the time we shared together, we travelled the world together and experienced some amazing things. I look back with nothing but happiness and gratitude” - I said openly. “Yeh” he replied agreeingly. At that moment I knew we were both smiling. The conversation continued for a bit and then ended with sincere farewells..
I got off the phone feeling something I had never felt before. An overwhelming sense of sadness, joy and an unpredicted wave of humility all at the same time, I knew that chapter of my life was finally coming to an end, and ending with a thankful heart for what I had had. All the experiences that I have had up until this very moment have made me the person I am today- and I like that person. The program has taught me to let go, accept and see the world in a different more kinder light. I never thought I’d be grateful for my past heartaches and mistakes- but I am. I never thought I’d be grateful to be an alcoholic- but I am. I guess you could call that growth.
Friends, I am one humble alcoholic.