GOD is… Carols Cat.

For someone that wasn’t religious I sure as hell prayed a lot in active addiction- praying to a god I didn’t believe in.

I walked into the rooms on the back of a painful and agonising “alcoholics prayer”. If you haven’t heard of it it’s pretty simple: “God please help me”- amen. The morning after my last “drunk” I remember waking with all the guilt, shame and remorse that they talk about in the rooms. I was still extremely intoxicated but I knew that I was at my rock bottom. I had a number of extensive calls that I had made the night prior, a few texts to a handful of guys I knew would fuck me and one message from someone who had actually come over that night to console me- with who I could not recall seeing. I had “blacked out”. I was a fucking mess. I had lost all respect for myself and for those around me. I stumbled into my lounge room, sat next to the couch - ann an empty bottle of Espolon tequila and an empty box of prescription sleeping meds. I fell to my knees, sobbing hysterically “God, oh God please help me” I wailed out in pain.

There was also a fundamental belief in “belief” whether it were in the belief that “love” exists, the belief in superstitions, belief in karma. But then why was it so hard for me to digest the fact that maybe there was a possibility of a god- when I say god I don’t mean a man with a beard in a robe, in my instance I mean “a being bigger than myself”- a creator, a celestial form maybe- who knows?

I was never the religious kind but there had always been some deep seeded idea of a “faith” of sorts- not the religious kind though. The Bill Nye kind of faith. That there were something bigger out there than myself. I just wasn’t sure what. There was also a fundamental belief in “belief” whether it were in the belief that “love” exists, the belief in superstitions, belief in karma. But then why was it so hard for me to digest the fact that maybe there was a possibility of a god- when I say god I don’t mean a man with a beard in a robe, in my instance I mean “a being bigger than myself”- a creator, a celestial form maybe- who knows? I just know that I am not the centre of the universe, that it isn’t my universe and that I cannot drive the bus any longer- because look where taking the drivers seat has got me!.

I think the GOD word in the rooms is what scares people the most because by the time we walk into our first meeting most of us are so stricken with pain and misery that any faith that we may have had was lost long ago. If you’re new to the program or have had issues accepting the G word I can assure you that it’s okay. This is not a religious program- more so a spiritual one. God can be Carols cat, the express bus from Town Hall that bypasses all the local watering holes on your way home, a cluster of stars.

“If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago. But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn’t there. Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly.”

It’s time to start believing in something, it’s time to start having faith that you are deserving and that there is light at the end of the tunnel for you, for all of us.

Friends, I believe and have faith that things will continue to turn out the way they are meant to for this alcoholic.

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“I never had partners, I had hostages”

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Accepting that humble pie.