“I never had partners, I had hostages”

I cheated. I cheated on every partner I have ever had, except the last 2. From the time I was old enough to date- I was a serial cheat. Another byproduct of alcoholism- always wanting more, what I had was never enough. Now reflecting with hindsight, I can now see how selfish, dishonest and self seeking I was. Ok, ok- hear me out, I know no one wants to hear that they are all these things let alone know that they were the cause for all the misfortune that came their way prior to recovery.

Now let’s rewind. My last relationship. About 10 months ago. It was another argument with me intoxicated, I don’t remember what the argument was about, all I recall is my partner nearly in tears painfully saying “you’re emotionally manipulating me”. Every time I recall him saying it it brings me this flooding heartache, pain and shame that I could bring someone I loved and adored to such a state. I loved that man- more than anyone I have ever loved - and I brought him the most pain I have ever inflicted on someone. He was undeserving of it all.

My last relationship. About 10 months ago. It was another argument with me intoxicated, I don’t remember what the argument was about, all I recall is my partner nearly in tears painfully saying “you’re emotionally manipulating me”.

Now fast track to about 2 weeks ago, I was going through my Step 5 with my sponsor Step 5 is where we confide in and admit all our wrongs and past behaviours- being completely honest to another human, leaving nothing unsaid, no stone unturned. A humbling and ego destroying step. I admitted my wrong doings to my sponsor al the hurt and lies, behaviours driven by fear, ego, self-centredness, the list goes on. When it came to my last partner, she stopped me and asked me why I was crying. “Are you crying because for the first time in your life you finally had both feet in and someone walked out on you?” She queried. I burst into tears, why was it that at my sickest in addiction I had found the one I wanted to settle down with? The most insane thing for me was that there was this sense that I knew what I was doing but I couldn’t stop. I was a prisoner in my own head. The relationship broke me, absolutely broke me. To the point that I knew something had to change. Further along in the program we come to a Step that requires making an “amends” - a direct form of an amends where possible, unless to do so would injure them or others. I decided long ago that unfortunately he will never get that from me. Not because I don’t want to but because I have done enough harm. Sometimes I won’t get the outcomes I want, but it’s not about me. Humbly I will continue to accept it for what it is. I will continue to pray for him every morning, pray that he is safe, looked after and finds another that can treat him right and give him the love he deserves- that is my amends to him. To love him from afar, until my heart no longer aches.

The list of those I need to make amends with is extremely lengthy. Not just from my most recent spiral but dating back from as far as I can remember- which at the moment is going back almost 20 years. We don’t realise that although our minds may shut certain things out or memories become a little “hazy” our subconscious and our bodies still carry the burdens of every wrong we have ever been the maker of. I’ve often said that I worked so hard on what I thought others wanted me to be that somewhere along the way I forgot who I was, I wore many masks, but internally I was so ugly my soul filled with cavities of hideous, immoral behaviours and secrets- and it’s our secrets that keep us sick.

“Are you crying because for the first time in your life you finally had both feet in and someone walked out on you?” She queried.

Hindsight is a funny thing, to me it’s the flip side of the coin- when the fog clears and you can see in third person. I can reflect now on every relationship I have ever had with another and question where I could have done things differently- and just like my amends list, this list too is extensive. Don’t get me wrong, I did try in all these relationships, but how can someone love another when deep down they cannot even love themselves?

The cheating and infidelity in relationships was a cocktail of self sabotage, thrill seeking, ego, envy and the biggest culprit- LUST, extremely damaging on their own let alone shaken and double strained into the mind of an addict. When those urges came over me- there was no stopping me, if I wanted it, I was going to get it and I didn’t care who I hurt in the process. Not even the guilt and shame would stop me from repeatedly doing the same thing over and over. I would sleep with your boyfriend, I’d sleep with your girlfriend, all lines would be crossed- as long as I got what I want. On the flip side though, when I wasn’t wearing the “sexual deviate” mask I was wearing the “perfect girlfriend” mask- where the house was always clean when you got home, you were showered with love and affection, where dinner was always cooked and I’d happily give you a blow job for dessert while you played Xbox. And I guess that’s where my diagnosed BPD comes into play. There’s a fine line when it comes to defining where my Addiction ends and my BPD starts- but I’m working on it. I think the hardest thing in recovery is working on all the relationships that you have burnt to the ground during addiction, but also understanding that there are also relationships that you cannot fix nor can you control the outcomes of how relationships with loved ones, family, friends work colleagues will work out. We need to remember that we do not have control over others and their actions - only our own and sometimes we don’t even have that FFS.

There’s a fine line when it comes to defining where my anddiction ends and my BPD starts- but I’m working on it.

An excerpt that sums up my experience with relationships when I was in addiction:

“The primary fact that we fail to recognise is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating people we know, or we depend upon them far too much.If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers.When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate.My dependency meant demand — a demand for the possession and control of other people and the conditions surrounding me”.

What I have learnt from the program so far is that I wasn’t the victim in most circumstances like I made myself out to be when it came to romantic encounters and partnerships, in most cases I was to blame for their implosion. Although, I can learn from my past mistakes and have the willingness to no longer partake in the behaviours that  lead me to be the shell of the person I was. I can continue to align myself with the realistic ideals I set for myself in regards to being a partner and although I am single I am okay with it, as I know that with everyday I love myself a little bit more and that when a potential love interest crosses my path I will be the most vulnerable, honest, understanding and loving partner that one could ask for- and that gives me hope.

Friends, I am a single but happy alcoholic.