“I am so grateful that god didn’t give me everything that I had wished for.”
It’s true. If I had honestly been gifted all the things I had ever asked god for or wished for I would not have the life I do right now. They say that the admission price for a new life is your old one, to let go of our old ideals, that the result would be nil until we let go absolutely.
How incessantly I would clutch on to things in the past that no longer served me because I had formed some misconception of why I thought that this person, this place, this thing or this situation was exactly right for me or was exactly what I needed in order to not only feel complete but feel “part of”. I do not know what I need. But god constantly reveals was is meant for me, when it’s meant for me. That said he too has revealed many things that he’s deemed not for me. And how did I react? Like a spoilt child at times- angry at him, angry at the world. I’ve realised I have never been undeserving of anything- certain things were just not meant for me, the timing was off.
Thats the thing with us alcoholics- when things aren’t meant for us or things don’t go our way, we take it like a personal attack- we are professional victims.
In my past I would mull over my misfortunes like I was the only one that had them. How fucking righteous of me, how immature. Growth will often feel like pain- I’ve heard, they weren’t wrong. In the time I have been in recovery I have learnt some humbling truths about myself and my life. I have learnt how to adult- and properly, fuck it still sucks sometimes though and there a times where I still “have sleep for dinner”. In the last 11 months my attitude and outlook on life has changed exponentially. 11 months ago I didn’t think life was worth living, I was stuck in a rut of “self”- my drinking and drugging feeding the negative outlook I had on life. I was ugly and decaying from the inside out. I was bitter and envious of others- never able to see what I had because I always wanted more, I suffered from a serious case of dissatisfaction. I felt like an outsider, like I didn’t fit in, I would always call myself eccentric and that I was okay to be this “lone wolf’ when really all I wanted was to feel like I belonged, that I was part of. I totally get peoples prejudices against the program, thinking it’s a cult, well fuck- if it works and it’s kept me sober I don’t think those in my life would really mind. What I’ve realised is that people are fearful of things they don’t understand. What I’ve found is that if it works for you then what’s the issue? I have a tonne of people in my life that have the program to thank.
I am edging 11 months sober- I don’t say this for applause, I say this because I’m hoping that whoever this blog comes across will understand that there is growth and change to be had and if you’re willing and able that growth and change doesn’t have to take a lifetime, merely months if you’re willing to put in the work, if even just some minuscule tether of you thinks that you are deserving then let me tell you that things will be just fine, that you will continue to wake and every morning your past circumstances will hurt a little less, every morning you will be the old you a little less, every morning you will thank your lucky stars that you are an alcoholic with a solution.
Friends, I am an alcoholic- and I am happy about it.