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“I am so grateful that god didn’t give me everything that I had wished for.”
11 months ago I didn’t think was life was worth living, I was stuck in a rut of “self”- my drinking and drugging feeding the negative outlook I had on life. I was ugly and decaying from the inside out. I was bitter and envious of others- never able to see what I had because I always wanted more, I suffered from a serious case of dissatisfaction.
“I never had partners, I had hostages”
I cheated. I cheated on every partner I have ever had, except the last 2. From the time I was old enough to date- I was a serial cheat. Another byproduct of alcoholism- always wanting more, what I had was never enough. Now reflecting with hindsight, I can now see how selfish, dishonest and self seeking I was. Ok, ok- hear me out, I know no one wants to hear that they are all these things let alone know that they were the cause for all the misfortune that came their way prior to recovery.
GOD is… Carols Cat.
Higher power? God? - I pray to Carols Cat. Her cat has clearly served her well, I mean look at her! Smug and happy and with 17 years of sobriety under her belt. Clearly the cat is doing something right.
Accepting that humble pie.
All the experiences that I have had up until this very moment have made me the person I am today- and I like that person. The program has taught me to let go, accept and see the world in a different more kinder light. I never thought I’d be grateful for my past heartaches and mistakes- but I am. I never thought I’d be grateful to be an alcoholic- but I am. I guess you could call that growth.
Tell me where it hurts.
To me the program brings out these raw and vulnerable feelings- you know the ones. The kind of dark and emotional feelings we try and keep buried deep down, kept under lock and key? The ones we hope never see the light of day in fear that others will see us for who we truely are and how we truely feel?
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
It can either be a good day or it can be a fucking shit day- what kind of day I am going to have depends greatly on my emotional sobriety and mindset.
Availing yourself of a sensei.
Depending on your age and if you aren’t an 80’s baby the Karate Kid / Mr Miyagi reference may go straight over your head. A big part of actually understanding and getting the program is availing yourself of a sponsor or as I like to call them “sensei”.
Who I am not.
I have always suffered feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I have never known myself to be anything else, nor have I known myself to be “powerful beyond measure”. I HAVE NOT KNOWN MYSELF. Although now, I still may not know who I am but I certainly DO know who I am NOT.
Admit One.
Admitting that I was an alcoholic and addict was easier than I had imagined. I guess when you’ve burnt your entire life to the fucking ground the reasons as to why become more apparent. In saying that I implore you to stick around if you’re still unsure. I guarantee that in no time you’ll hear what you need to make the admission.
Rinse and Repeat.
I think the hardest thing for me (and has always been) sticking to something for long enough that it actually becomes routine. I get bored quite easily- just ask my ex partners. Routine is monotonous and addicts like myself love spontaneity. We don’t get that “hit” from playing it “safe” but that’s just where things need to change. The hardest thing I have found with recovery is being consistent.
It’s only a suggestion.
Making mistakes in early sobriety and being okay with it- I mean it can’t be any worse than making mistakes in active addiction can it?. Adding a drink or drug to the mix I found has always been a bad fucking idea.
Self will is a motherfucker.
One of the lines I use to throw at partners in the past was “actions speak louder than words”- how fucking hypocritical of me, the addict, speaking about “actions”. What a motherfucker self will is.
A hard pill to swallow.
Being genuinely honest with myself was not what I was familiar with- so when I was faced with answering the question “Am I an alcoholic?” I had some harsh truths to accept.
Your basic disclaimer from your average garden variety addict with BPD.
I am an addict- an addict of the hopeless kind. I am addicted to; alcohol, drugs, sex, love, money, validation, thrill seeking. Anything that gives me a high. I want it all - and a lot of it, all at once, I’ll take it in any way shape and form. Gimme, gimme, gimme.